


I couldn’t utter my love when it counted

by Thesuspiciousflyingjellyfish



Series: Queen and Lionheart [2]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Final Fantasy XV, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Forgiveness, Love Confessions, M/M, Possibly Requited Love, The return of Amara, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-12
Updated: 2020-10-12
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:07:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26964181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thesuspiciousflyingjellyfish/pseuds/Thesuspiciousflyingjellyfish
Summary: Gilgamesh fulfils his promise to Cor, and searches for Ardyn.
Relationships: Gilgamesh (Final Fantasy XV)/Ardyn Izunia
Series: Queen and Lionheart [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1967530
Comments: 7
Kudos: 39





	I couldn’t utter my love when it counted

**Author's Note:**

> Set sometime after the battle at the Wall in the main story.

The Tempering Grounds were silent with the absence of Cor, and Gilgamesh was not ashamed to admit that he missed the boy, having enjoyed the life and company he brought with his stay. A part of him at first could not wait for the boy to leave, but like fungus, Cor had grown on him. Seeing him again, even just for battle, was gratifying, and Gilgamesh was proud at how far the boy had come. Before, when he was more human than _thing,_ Gilgamesh had thought of a family for himself. He knew that as a man of his calibre, it was expected of him to have a child.

His love for Ardyn had prevented him from ever going through with that, but at nights, when his mind was more open to possibility than the realities of the day. He had thought and dreamt of a family with Ardyn. A fantasy that was soon smothered like a weak flame with the arrival of Aera, to be Ardyn’s wife and queen.

The rest, they say, was history. Gilgamesh went from vowing his Oath to Ardyn when they were both boys, to having to stand by the side of Somnus as he struck his love down before his eyes. He had thought, as the gods had decided, that Ardyn was past the point of healing. And like many things in his life, he was wrong. No. Ardyn was, in some ways, still healthy before the battle and death of Aera. Only then, did the Starscourge truly infect him, grief-stricken by Aera being cut down by Somnus. He turned into what everyone thought of him as: _A monster_.

Exiled, Gilgamesh only managed to be Somnus Shield for a month before self-disgust and regret overtook him, and Gilgamesh had fled the kingdom as well.

And now, he promised to find his King, and he was _terrified_. He knew where to walk, knew which direction to take. But putting the step forward to reach the man and beg for forgiveness was something he had only thought about. To do so in reality would be much more frightening. And so with confusion and panic practically bursting out of him, Gilgamesh stood up from his rock of brooding, and stumbled out of the Tempering Grounds.

He managed to find his was to Amara’s house and bent down to knock lightly on the wood, not wanting to break it under his regular strength. It took a few minutes, before it finally creaked open, and in the dim light of the house, stood his friend.

Who was disheveled and angry.

“Gilly.” She growled, “It is two, in the fucking morning!? What the hell do you want that can not wait until the morning?”

Bewildered, the god pointed out, confused, “...You just said it’s the morning though.” There was a pause and the elder woman glared up at him.

Then the door slammed in his face, and Gilgamesh thought that was fair. Looking around, he then realised that she was correct, that it was still dark out. Being immortal for a long time in comparison to human life span had made him forget about the necessities of sleep. So, with an echoing sigh behind his mask, Gilgamesh scooted away from the door and sat himself directly in front the front window of the wooden home.

He can wait. It’s a skill he had learnt centuries ago.

Time moved strangely for him now, and in what felt like a simple blink of an eye, the sun had risen. He wondered if now would be a polite to knock on the door when it decided to swing open itself. A young man, he thinks, though he could be entirely wrong as human ages are also not a concept that he was familiar with anymore. Anyways, the young man who looked strikingly like Amara when she was younger looked up at him and asked, “Mom wanted to know if ‘ _the rust bucket_ ’, he did finger quotes, “Was still outside. And if he was, I should send him in.”

He stepped back and invitingly opened the door for him, and gestured, “You coming in?”

Frowning behind his mask, he looked at the doorway critically. “I do not think I could fit, but I will make a valiant effort.” And proceeded to crawl his way through the door before he stopped by a yell half way through.

“Hell no, get out! I’m coming to you, you moronic tin can man!”

Which Gilgamesh thought was a better idea and backward crawled out of the house, and sat back in the middle of the street.

It could be almost comical with how a two story tall man was sitting in the dirt road lined with cottages and large, over grown yards. Many had gardens, which Gilgamesh thought was very practical of them, but it all wasn’t as funny as it seemed. With the way towns people were peeking out their windows and doors to get a look at their local god, Gilgamesh just found it very awkward.

Finally, Amara exited the house in a dressing gown and her son brought a chair out for her to sit on, so they may talk with ease. She smiled fondly at her son and patted him on his hand. “Thank you, Gilbert.”

Gilgamesh blinked, startled and looked at the child that was named after him, before turning back to Amara.

“I need advice.”

She rolled her eyes. “I assumed so, that little soldier told me about how you would be adventuring to find someone. Would that someone be your lost love?” She scrutinised him, and Gilgamesh held back the urge to shift, uncomfortably that there were townspeople still watching them.

His armour creaked as he nodded in silent confirmation.

“Hmm, and how do you plan to find him?” She asked, frown lines heavy on her face.

Gilgamesh answered that easily. “Our bond is still there, so I would be able to find him. It, _tugs_ ,” He decided as the best descriptor, “In his direction.”

She hummed and then wondered, “And what will you say when you find him?”

Gilgamesh answered that not so easily. “I will apologise and accept any punishment, as I deserve.” And bowed her head in shame.

There were mumbles of concern from the townspeople, and one asked curiously, “What did you do?”

He shifted his head to the right, and saw a young woman, or a child who knows, leaning out her window. “I betrayed my sacred oath to protect him, thinking that it would be a mercy killing.”

Squinting up at him, she blurted out, “Dude, what the fuck happened?”

“I-“ He looked frantically to Amara for help, and the woman blinked up at him innocently. “Yes Gilly, what did you do?”

Stuttering, confused, “I. I told you Amara.” 

Giving him a genial smile, she gestured for him to explain, mischief in her eyes. “Really? Best go over it again, I am and old woman now. My memory isn’t the best as it was.”

He casted a look around the street helplessly, before sighing in exasperation. “2,000 years ago,“ He began, “There were two brothers that could be chosen for king. Somnus was charismatic and a great commander on the battlefield. Ardyn was a healer and cared deeply for the people. The Oracle was to ask the Crystal of Bahamut for his decision and gave a prophecy instead. The prophecy told of Ardyn becoming the Accursed because of how infected he was of the Starscourge. But, he was a healer, he was just trying to help his people and was taking on the infection to relieve them of their pain. And the gods casted him aside for his kindness. They deemed him unworthy.“ He then sucked in a shuddering breath and forged on.

“And then, when the Oracle told Somnus of the prophecy, of how Ardyn must be killed by the True King to rid the world of the ‘scourge, he stuck Ardyn down, and ended up killing the Oracle in the process. He-“ Gilgamesh choked on his words, and could feel how his hands shook. “He became consumed by the disease, infected like the daemons and was forever reviled and exiled. I stood aside, thinking that in killing him, it would be a mercy. And I was incorrect.” There was silence around the street, the people horrified and sympathising with the god.

Then it was broken. “Oof, that’s shit man.” The same female said and reached out the pat his shoulder consolingly. 

“I don’t really say this often,” Chimed in an older man on his left, “But fuck the gods.” There were mutters of agreement, and a lightness filled his chest at the camaraderie and support of these people. He realised, that for many, he had been their god for an entire lifetime. 

“You should explain to him your reasonings,” The young girl from before piped up, “Even if he doesn’t forgive you, he should at least know your choices.”

Another woman, this time by her door way to the right of Amara’s home, frowned in thought. She offered with kindness, “It wasn’t the best decision to stand aside, even out of good intentions, but at least you acknowledge it wasn’t a good choice.”

His fists clenched, armour creaking under the pressure. “I’ve regretted it ever since.” He confessed, and he received a squeeze again on his shoulder by the window girl.

“Even if he doesn’t forgive you, we still want you here, Gilgamesh.” Amara finally spoke, and he looked back at her, her kind green eyes staring up at him. “You have protected us for many years, and it would be wrong for us to turn you away.”

The were nods of agreement from the towns people and overcome by emotions, he murmured, “Thank you all for your kindness and guidance.” And gave them all a low bow, the crown of his head coming to stop some feet away from Amara, who hobbled up with the help of Gilbert, and laid a gentle hand on his head.

“You can do this Gilly. I believe in you, and so does everyone else.”

It was with those words of encouragement that he rose protective barriers around the town for temporary protection, and headed off into the direction of his King. Following that tug in his chest, he walked for days and nights, never stopping in his steady, relentless pace. Gilgamesh noticed that the further he was from the Tempering Grounds and his people of worship, he started to grow smaller.

As a mortal, he was already a tall man, verging on six foot seven, but as a god he grew to twenty foot from the magic of their belief. Albeit smaller when Cor summoned him as he was using the boy’s own power and the sword as a channel for his own. Still, by the time he reached a day’s walk from Ardyn, he was back to his original height.

There was something almost poetic about how Ardyn made him become mortal in his presence, but Gilgamesh was never good with poems and words. That was Ardyn’s talent.

He ended up pausing in his tracks, and sensed that Ardyn would be coming in his direction soon, and decided it would be best to let the man come to him. Maybe it was the nerves talking, but Gilgamesh did not want to force his presence onto the man when he obviously did not want him around.Maybe they were both unsure about meeting, hesitating over their history, but Gilgamesh would not know until the next morning. So he sat himself down in the field he had entered, and waited.

When morning sunrise crept above the horizon, Gilgamesh waited with trepidation as the bond seemed to spark and reignite with the distance closing. He slowly stood up, limbs feeling weaker than ever before, and his heart leaped in his chest at the sight of the figure in the distance. He entered the large field from the tree line and seemed to pause at the sight of him.

And then.

_He_ began to move forward again.

His heart was in his throat now and Gilgamesh felt ready to collapse to his knees overwhelmed with desperation.

The man that came closer, stopping a short distance away, was dressed in a way that was unexpected of the past simplicity that Ardyn usually wore, and the flamboyant eccentricity that was not unusual for him. Layers of coats, lace, and scarves, he looked like what Cor would say, ‘ _A fashionable hobo_ ’. But what he wore did not matter, because _his King_ stood before him with stunned eyes. He took off the hat he wore and gripped it tight in his fist, staring up at Gilgamesh.

Finally, his emotions and weakness overcame him, and Gilgamesh fell to his knees before his King.

“ _Ardyn_.” He whispered reverently.

The man’s face then screwed up in a furious glare and spat out, “What are you doing still alive, _traitor?_ ”

Though he expected such hatred, the label hit his heart, and he felt it clench in pain. Taking a silent gasp of air, he bowed down low, head touching the grass.

“I wish to beg for forgiveness though I know I do not deserve it, Ardyn.” He sincerely spoke, pouring as much honesty into the words as possible.

“ _Do not_.” The man gritted out, “Speak my name. You have lost your _right_ when you stood aside.” Ardyn snarled, vicious and terrifying. 

Looking up at the man, it was pure torture to see his King so filled with anger and fury. He was always a gentle soul before everything. “I had thought that the starscourge had over taken you, that you were past saving. I had thought that it would be a mercy-“ Gilgamesh tried to explain like the townsperson suggested, but he was cut off by his king.

“ _Well you thought wrong!_ ” He spat out, and dark veins began to crawl across his skin, the scourge taking over him as his wrath heightened. Gilgamesh knew that this would come, and closed his eyes to await his judgement willingly.

Black clawed hands began to grab and dig into him, and in one breath and the next, Ardyn had stopped in front of him. The scourge was seething and twisting dark mass around the man’s form and watching with shock, Gilgamesh could see the golden glow from the scourge shining through in his eyes with how close Ardyn stood before him. The claws lashed out to his face and started to pull and tug at his mask. “You will look upon me bare-faced as you beg for mercy.” The man had snarled and Gilgamesh allowed the assault.

His mask had never left his face since he left Somnus and Lucis altogether, and believed it to have fused into his skin, becoming part of his body after their magic warped with the cracked and violated bond. But Ardyn, like many times before, proved him wrong.

Air touched his skin, and he couldn’t help the shudder of breath that left his lips at the pure sensations of light and wind on his face. He wondered at what he must look like now. His skin used to be a dark tan, hair now white was black before. He wondered what pitiful expression he was making that made his king pause in his attack.

His eyes had opened again, having reflexively closed when the mask was peeled off, and gazed up at his furious, wrathful king. “ _I’m sorry, Ardyn._ ” He had whispered and reached out a hesitant hand to caress the man’s cheeks. Surprisingly, Ardyn allowed it with confusion taking over his anger.

Gilgamesh felt his lips tremble against his thumb and Ardyn yelled, throat hoarse with emotion. “You looked at me, like I was a _monster_!” And there were tears building in those eyes, causing his own lips to tremble.

And Gilgamesh was softly shaking his head, in disbelieving denial, and murmured with pure love in his voice, “How could I look at you with anything but _utter awe_.”

Ardyn’s breath caught and he looked back, scared and confused, the darkness seeping back from the air into his skin. The man jerked his face away from Gilgamesh’s hand and stumbled away. “I-I don’t understand.” The open vulnerability seemed to be a shock to the man, and Gilgamesh dropped his hand from the open air back to his side.

He still kneeled as he confessed, looking at the way the sunlight haloed his red hair like an amber crown. Gilgamesh was filled with adoration just gazing upon him again. “Ardyn. I have loved you since I knew the meaning of love, maybe even before. I had sworn my loyalty to you, my blade to guard your back. I did all this, because I _loved you_ , and I _knew_ that you would never want me back.” And the fresh tears began to flow down his cheeks, a sensation he hadn’t felt in _centuries_. His voice warbled, “You loved her _so much_ , that I knew it was an impossibility, and I thought, by your side was _enough_. And it was.”

His once blue eyes, now gold, shined. “ _You can’t_ -“ The man choked out, unable to believe the words that left Gilgamesh’s exposed lips.

“And why not?” He asked fiercely, feeling brave he stood up, feeling more alive than ever before! “Ardyn, you were _magnificent_ when you healed the injured, so kind and tender with children and animals. The way you lit up when writing poetry. My heart _ached_ listening to your sonnets, knowing they were not for me, but I would imagine sometimes that they were. I tell you all this, not to excuse my betrayal, but to finally tell you what I never managed to do before.”

He stepped closer, and this time, the other did not step back, staring with wonder and overwrought with emotions from the confession. Gilgamesh felt like his heart was exposed and in Ardyn’s hands. “Ardyn Lucis Caelum. _I love you with a devotion that no god could take away._ I would _destroy stars_ for you, if it allowed me the glimpse of you smile once more.”

The morning birds had begun their songs, and Ardyn was crying fiercely in the gentle breeze, the grass swaying at their legs. 

With shaking hands, Ardyn reached up and cupped Gilgamesh’s cheeks and the god could not help the tremulous exhale that left him at the sensation of another’s touch. _His touch._ Those golden eyes were wide and hope was a fragile thing that they held. And then. Slowly, Gilgamesh’s head was brought down and soft lips touched his.

He gasped in shock into the kiss and his own trembling hands came up to hold Ardyn closer, tenderly, and with fear that he would disappear with a single touch.

But he was solid under his hands.

It was the strongest sensation he had felt in thousands of years, and it was like lightening was striking his heart. It was fluttering like the wing beats of a bird, so, so fragile. And for one second, Gilgamesh felt like he understood true _divinity_ from Ardyn’s touch.

But the kiss was over too soon, and a pitiful whine escaped his lips as he tried to follow after them, head leaning on Ardyn’s. He could not open his eyes, thinking this to be a hallucination as he whispered, hope and anguish waring in his chest, “If you are to strike me down, do it now and do it quick. For I do not think I could live with your _kiss_ but not your _love_.”

And then cracked his eyes open, to look into Ardyn’s. The man shook under his hands as he replied back, melancholy vivid in his voice. “I do not know if I love you, Gilgamesh. Too much has happened, complicating everything. But if you are being honest, I would like to feel loved before I die.”

Gilgamesh could not help the tightening of his hands on Ardyn’s waist, a dark growl ripped out of his chest, “The prophecy will _not_ be fulfilled. I do not _care_ it I have to fight the Draconian myself, I will _not_ let you leave my sight again.” He vowed.

Ardyn’s fingers caressed and danced across his cheek bones and jaw line, a sadness softening his expression. “I need to die-I _want_ to die, Gilgamesh.” He affirmed. “The scourge needs to wiped clean from the land-“

Protesting, Gilgamesh interrupted him. “There needs to be _another_ way. What if you were _healed_ -“

Ardyn only shook his head, “There is no cure, no healer, not even the Oracle, could take it away.”

Letting out a frustrated exhale, Gilgamesh gently rubbed his forehead against Ardyn’s trying to think. “That is because their magic is from the gods who have forsaken humanity for a prophecy that does not need to be fulfilled.”

The smaller man pulled back, scoffing, “And what would you suggest, my Shield.” His body and magic sung at hearing that title again, and by the tilt of Ardyn’s head in interest, he felt it too.

Worrying his lip, a renewed sensation Gilgamesh basked in, he offered, “I know a healer. Her magic is not from any of the gods here, but from her very own blood.”

Doubt filling his face Ardyn asked, “And where is this healer?”

Gilgamesh hesitated, “...Another land.” He grumbled finally.

The man threw his head back laughing, raw, real, and foreign going by the startled look on his face. Gilgamesh agonised internally over how long it must have been that Ardyn laughed so genuinely. “How do you expect to bring her here then?” He grinned and Gilgamesh felt warmth enter him, and not just from the morning sunlight that shone around them.

“ _Magic_.”

**Author's Note:**

> And here is the reunion. there will be a continuation, but in a different oneshot.
> 
> God i tried to make it as heartfelt as possible, so I hope y’all pick up on the pure yearning. I was trying to channel my inner jane austen. They have much to work through, but i like my happy endings too much to make this tragic.
> 
> I personally see their relationship mirroring SanCor, but it’s everything that could go wrong went wrong. And hey, Cor is similar to Gil in that they both like terrifying red heads. Who are also healers.
> 
> Until next time! Thank you for reading.


End file.
